2.27.2010
2.25.2010
"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."
"You can have an eating disorder and still be madly in love with Jesus" -Wendy Celoria
That's right folks it's Eating Disorder Awareness Week!
A lot of you might be thinking that it doesn't apply to you, but I might be able to change your mind.
Chances are if you know any of the following, you are effected by this disease...
#1. Adolescents
#2. Women
#3. Men
#4. Me
Hmm did that get you interested?!
A sin or not a sin...That is the question.
I had a really great appointment with my therapist today and she made the argument that an eating disorder is not sin, it's a direct attack from satan. I've always thought of my eating disorder as sin in my life but the more we talked about it, the more I'm rethinking my opinion. I get the whole argument of "your body is a temple", so maybe I could see that but then are we all going to stop eating food that isn't kosher and stepping foot near someone who smokes?
Enter PRIDE. An eating disorder is prideful whether you hate yourself or love yourself because at the end of the day your focus is on YOU and not HIM.
So if my sin is pride, does that change the perspective of this disease? For me...it does. I don't know if it should or shouldn't because I personally believe that God looks at me through Christ and therefore does not see my sin, (uhh thanks Jesus). Someone once told me, "Don't should all over yourself so much".
To love Him or not to love Him...That is the next question!
SO, if my struggle is pride and that just so happens to be by way of focusing on my flaws and failures...Does that mean I love Him less or my relationship with Him is in a worse place than as someone who loves themselves? I would argue no. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and I trust that God knew what He was doing when He made me. I know He created me with purpose, I know I am worthy in His sight and He is enthralled by my beauty. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like a disappointment to Him. Despite all logic I have in my head and all of the things I KNOW and TRUST to be true, I still find myself drowning in disapproval.
My argument: This draws me closer to God. This brings me to my knees. This shows me how desperately I need Him and His mercy. It is proof that I can't find my worth in anything but Him. I can't be healed by family, friends, pills, books and especially not myself....only HE can carry me through this season and bring beauty from what I've turned to ashes. So does my struggle effect my relationship with Christ? Yes, it definitely puts a strain on things. But it is bringing me so much closer to Him at the same time.
Where I am now.
I know people have been asking about me since I returned from Remuda and I think it's only fair you hear from me how I am doing. First of all, thank you for your concern and your love. I have never felt more blessed with amazing people in my life.
Being home is hard. There's no other way to put it. 45 days was never going to take away 7 years of struggling. Remuda was like having surgery on a series of bullet wounds that had been covered up by band-aids for years. Now the recovery process is extremely hard because all I want to do is rip out these dang stitches. What I am focusing all of my energy on right now is learning how to "Be still and know that He is God" and to be OK with the fact that I'm in a season of rest/healing.
What I Need.
Prayer.
Love.
Availability.
Prayer.
An ear to listen.
Friends.
Patience.
Prayer.
Eating disorders are disgustingly common and sometimes they can be near impossible to detect (I have a few loved ones who would attest to that). All I ask...THINK next time you make a comment about something you know NOTHING about. People have no idea how much of an effect their comments can have on someone with an eating disorder, (or any girl for that matter). And if you care enough about someone in your life who might be struggling with an eating disorder, educate yourself. You will never fully be able to understand, but simply having a better scope on what an eating disorder is can be a miracle worker!
P.S. If I ever hear someone say, "All you have to do is eat right and exercise", "There are people dying in Haiti and starving in Africa, you should be grateful", "It's just food...What's the big deal", "You don't need to lose weight, you look great!"....I will punch you. Clearly, you have NO idea what an eating disorder is and your ignorance causes a lot more harm than you could imagine.
If you think you comprehend eating disorders because you hear about famous people with them all the time, "they just want to be skinny"....You know nothing. I recommend reading the following before you open your mouth and embarrass yourself.
Resources ;)
2.13.2010
"Real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious." Jack Kerouc, On The Road.
I was reading The Sound and the Fury today and I'm fascinated with Quentin's character. Time haunts him. It dominates his life. The tick tock of his watch is inescapable. Death is his only answer to cheating/escaping the clenches of time.
I could read this novel over and over again and still pick up new things each time. Kudos Faulkner.
It's interesting to me how Americans are similar (not his crack pot obsession with his sister's sin). Is time not the unwavering dictator of our lives?
This all pairs nicely with what I've been studying in God's word...Ecclesiastes.
Enjoy.
Chapter 3. Verses 1-8.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
If there is a time for everything under the sun, what is that time in your life right now? (Please answer...I really am curious). I started thinking about the season of life I'm in right now. It's a season of CHANGE. A season of love, creativity, healing, tears, adventure, potential, growth. But then I started thinking about each of the characters from The Sound and the Fury and their own hang-ups, or total negligence, of time. As a Christian, I believe that my time on this Earth is short and I want to use it wisely. However, I don't want to obsess over time because I know God is in control of everything under the sun.
For now, I am only on chapter three of Ecclesiastes when everything under the sun is still meaningless...I feel you Solomn. I'm picking up what you're throwin down.
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