Christ is savING me.

Present progressive tense of the verb to save. That’s right, not past tense as in “saved”. Yes, Christ has saved me from my sins when he died on the cross (past tense), but a lot of times we forget to recognize, or strategically choose not to mention, how Christ is continually saving us from our sins daily (present progressive).

I want to be the first to say that Christ has not yet saved me from my eating disorder, or my approval idol, or my acceptance idol, or my pride, or my selfishness, or my low self esteem. However, He is continually saving me from each of these deadly, life crushing pedestal warmers.

I opened up to Jon tonight and I was crying as I told him I just wanted an amazing testimony of how God rescued me from the bonds of my eating disorder. I felt so selfish as I exposed the failure and shame I am clinging to. “I want to tell people about how God saved me from this so that He can get glory from the disgusting mess I’ve made of things”, I scrambled to explain. On the one hand, it’s good that I want God to claim glory over the ashes I’ve made in my life and turn them into beauty. However, I fear I was being extremely selfish in trying to “quick fix” my sins by separating myself from them. Besides, maybe God has a plan to get the glory in ways I’ve never even dreamed of.

That’s when Jon reminded me that Christ IS rescuing me. Right now. Right this second and every second I fall short. The second I start believing the lies that Satan feeds me about how I’m not good enough, how I’m an epic failure for leaving ministry and my girls, how I’m disappointing the people in my life by not being “recovered” by now. He reminded me of how far God has brought me and how He constantly draws me closer in the midst of my struggling.

I want to be humble and brave. I want to be an example of God’s power and grace. What better way to do that than in the midst of suffering? So instead of standing before you full of pride and boasting about how God has rescuED me, I’m here in shame, overwhelmed by feelings of failure, struggling and broken telling you that God is savING me. Redeeming me. Accepting me. Cherishing me. Making me worthy. Purifying me. Right now. Daily. Every second. Of every day. And because of the new life that I’ve been blessed with, I am eternally grateful and am FREE to live joyfully in the midst of my shortcomings while drawing near to my undeniable, indescribable God.

Pissed.

Attention everyone!! Sugar and flour is making you fat and KILLING YOU!! Stop eating everything with those ingrediants and you will be happy, skinny and live a long, amazing life!!!

Eat Right.

Healthy?

Time.

I'm sick of hearing people talk non stop about what is considered "healthy". I hear it everywhere, everyone is a health expert because they took a yoga class and their instructor told them to only eat flax seed. It's ridiculous. You are not fat because you eat processed sugar or regular flour. You're fat because you eat five of those cupcakes made from the "satonic" ingrediants.

Honestly, I have no room to give advice about being healthy because it would definitely be a "do as I say not as I do" situation right now. But it makes me so upset to see people promote eating disorders without even knowing it.

Listen, women are going to have self esteem issues without you telling them what they can and cannot eat. Plus, then they are just going to feel worse about themselves when their fad diet lasts a week and they fail at it.

OR they will be really good at it and have pride issues. "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom" Proverbs 11:2

I hate that my struggle is food. If someone's an alcoholic you don't run up to them and tell them how much fun you had getting wasted last night. But with food it's different. People say whatever they want/think. My prayer is that God would shield my heart and help me to realize my worth in Him has nothing to do with ed.

Flick yeah!!

picturemechaos

That's right! I got a Flickaaaa. I'm not great with my new camera, but I sure am having fun learning it. I invite you to start my photography journey with me ;)

I've got a perfect body 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.

A lot of times I forget how amazing the human body is. God created us so intricately and knows us so intimately, right down to each lash on our eyes.

My second to last week at Remuda I was instructed to write a letter to myself that would be mailed six months later. Well, I recieved that letter and I want to share it with all of you.

Keira,

Slow down. Stop zoning out. Read your bible. The world won't crash if you take a break, GOD is in control.

It's none of your business what other people think of you, THE KING IS ENTHRALLED WITH YOUR BEAUTY.

You're not too busy for recovery. Tell someone what you are thinking. Feelings check. Take a yoga class. STOP people pleasing. Act opposit to your emotions. Use your voice and speak up for yourself. Center yourself on THIS moment.

PRAY. Tell God you love Him and thank Him for today. Tell the people in your life how much you love them. Stop trying to control everything and everyone.

Focus on you. You are beautiful. You are not defined by your weight. You are not disgusting because of the size of your jeans. What does your size say about who you are? Who are you? What do you want?

You want love. You want to get married and have a great job that you're passionate about. You want to be a part of something bigger than yourself.

You are funny. You are unique. You have a voice. Don't compare yourself to others because God made you separate from them. You are worthy, you have purpose, you are loved. You have courage and personality.

You fail, but who doesn't? You say the wrong things. You mess up. You're not perfect. You sin. You love God. You have an intimate relationship with Him. Never forget that you are worth it.

Love,

Keira

Is this weird?

Sometimes I turn my music up really loud, close my eyes and pretend I'm laying on stage with the band all around me. I'm at rest, but the music like chaos enfolds me.

Be Still

"Be still" really means nothing without "and known that I am God". I need a purpose for my stillness. Knowing that this amazing God is in control changes "Be still" from an aimless command to a humbling revelation. It's as though God says, "Calm down. Did you really think you were in control? Did you forget that I am God and NOT you?". He doesn't say, "I am God, now go run around doing good works to please me". That is why Christ died, God is already in love with us. He just says, "Know that I am God" and find peace in that, be still and rest in that. What action does it take to "know" something? Some brain activity, but humble meditation is all that God asks of us in this verse. Meditate and focus on the fact that He is God and nothing else matters.

I'm struggling. I'm wrong. I'm falling. I'm gone.

I've had a few people comment about how open I've been in this blog with my struggles. Some positive, some negative. I want to share my thoughts on it.

#1. Staying silent got me in a heap of trouble

#2. I want people to know specifically what they can pray for...It's one of the ways I'm asking for help

#3. I want people to know that no matter what they are struggling with, someone else is struggling too. Everyone's struggles might manifest differently, but at the end of the day we are all in pain in some shape or form. I believe Christ created us to rely on one another, but how can we truly love each other if we surface life and don't dive deep? This belief has transformed my relationships since I've been home from Remuda. Example. My friend Chaz and I have gotten real with each other. We talk about our struggles, our hopes, our dreams, our slips, our failures. We pray, we encourage, we laugh. Isn't that how Christ designed us to live?

#4. Most importantly...I want to open eyes and maybe some hearts to eating disorders. I know there are a lot of people out there still struggling silently and I want to be living proof that speaking up is the most freeing thing you could ever do. There are also a lot of people who are extremely uneducated on this disease that is quietly claiming millions worldwide and I want to help change that. Maybe if I can shed at least a little bit of light on this veiled, taboo topic, Christ will get the victory and satan will be forced to find another tactic besides ignorance.

All of that being said...I'm struggling. Please pray for me. I'm tired. I'm fighting for a desire to recover. I'm fighting for God. I'm clinging to the cross but I'm exhausted and I'm losing my grip. I hate ED. But I love him at the same time...Remuda girls, you know what I'm talking about. I miss you and love you so much.