Christ is savING me.

Present progressive tense of the verb to save. That’s right, not past tense as in “saved”. Yes, Christ has saved me from my sins when he died on the cross (past tense), but a lot of times we forget to recognize, or strategically choose not to mention, how Christ is continually saving us from our sins daily (present progressive).

I want to be the first to say that Christ has not yet saved me from my eating disorder, or my approval idol, or my acceptance idol, or my pride, or my selfishness, or my low self esteem. However, He is continually saving me from each of these deadly, life crushing pedestal warmers.

I opened up to Jon tonight and I was crying as I told him I just wanted an amazing testimony of how God rescued me from the bonds of my eating disorder. I felt so selfish as I exposed the failure and shame I am clinging to. “I want to tell people about how God saved me from this so that He can get glory from the disgusting mess I’ve made of things”, I scrambled to explain. On the one hand, it’s good that I want God to claim glory over the ashes I’ve made in my life and turn them into beauty. However, I fear I was being extremely selfish in trying to “quick fix” my sins by separating myself from them. Besides, maybe God has a plan to get the glory in ways I’ve never even dreamed of.

That’s when Jon reminded me that Christ IS rescuing me. Right now. Right this second and every second I fall short. The second I start believing the lies that Satan feeds me about how I’m not good enough, how I’m an epic failure for leaving ministry and my girls, how I’m disappointing the people in my life by not being “recovered” by now. He reminded me of how far God has brought me and how He constantly draws me closer in the midst of my struggling.

I want to be humble and brave. I want to be an example of God’s power and grace. What better way to do that than in the midst of suffering? So instead of standing before you full of pride and boasting about how God has rescuED me, I’m here in shame, overwhelmed by feelings of failure, struggling and broken telling you that God is savING me. Redeeming me. Accepting me. Cherishing me. Making me worthy. Purifying me. Right now. Daily. Every second. Of every day. And because of the new life that I’ve been blessed with, I am eternally grateful and am FREE to live joyfully in the midst of my shortcomings while drawing near to my undeniable, indescribable God.

Pissed.

Attention everyone!! Sugar and flour is making you fat and KILLING YOU!! Stop eating everything with those ingrediants and you will be happy, skinny and live a long, amazing life!!!

Eat Right.

Healthy?

Time.

I'm sick of hearing people talk non stop about what is considered "healthy". I hear it everywhere, everyone is a health expert because they took a yoga class and their instructor told them to only eat flax seed. It's ridiculous. You are not fat because you eat processed sugar or regular flour. You're fat because you eat five of those cupcakes made from the "satonic" ingrediants.

Honestly, I have no room to give advice about being healthy because it would definitely be a "do as I say not as I do" situation right now. But it makes me so upset to see people promote eating disorders without even knowing it.

Listen, women are going to have self esteem issues without you telling them what they can and cannot eat. Plus, then they are just going to feel worse about themselves when their fad diet lasts a week and they fail at it.

OR they will be really good at it and have pride issues. "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom" Proverbs 11:2

I hate that my struggle is food. If someone's an alcoholic you don't run up to them and tell them how much fun you had getting wasted last night. But with food it's different. People say whatever they want/think. My prayer is that God would shield my heart and help me to realize my worth in Him has nothing to do with ed.

Flick yeah!!

picturemechaos

That's right! I got a Flickaaaa. I'm not great with my new camera, but I sure am having fun learning it. I invite you to start my photography journey with me ;)

I've got a perfect body 'cause my eyelashes catch my sweat.

A lot of times I forget how amazing the human body is. God created us so intricately and knows us so intimately, right down to each lash on our eyes.

My second to last week at Remuda I was instructed to write a letter to myself that would be mailed six months later. Well, I recieved that letter and I want to share it with all of you.

Keira,

Slow down. Stop zoning out. Read your bible. The world won't crash if you take a break, GOD is in control.

It's none of your business what other people think of you, THE KING IS ENTHRALLED WITH YOUR BEAUTY.

You're not too busy for recovery. Tell someone what you are thinking. Feelings check. Take a yoga class. STOP people pleasing. Act opposit to your emotions. Use your voice and speak up for yourself. Center yourself on THIS moment.

PRAY. Tell God you love Him and thank Him for today. Tell the people in your life how much you love them. Stop trying to control everything and everyone.

Focus on you. You are beautiful. You are not defined by your weight. You are not disgusting because of the size of your jeans. What does your size say about who you are? Who are you? What do you want?

You want love. You want to get married and have a great job that you're passionate about. You want to be a part of something bigger than yourself.

You are funny. You are unique. You have a voice. Don't compare yourself to others because God made you separate from them. You are worthy, you have purpose, you are loved. You have courage and personality.

You fail, but who doesn't? You say the wrong things. You mess up. You're not perfect. You sin. You love God. You have an intimate relationship with Him. Never forget that you are worth it.

Love,

Keira

Is this weird?

Sometimes I turn my music up really loud, close my eyes and pretend I'm laying on stage with the band all around me. I'm at rest, but the music like chaos enfolds me.

Be Still

"Be still" really means nothing without "and known that I am God". I need a purpose for my stillness. Knowing that this amazing God is in control changes "Be still" from an aimless command to a humbling revelation. It's as though God says, "Calm down. Did you really think you were in control? Did you forget that I am God and NOT you?". He doesn't say, "I am God, now go run around doing good works to please me". That is why Christ died, God is already in love with us. He just says, "Know that I am God" and find peace in that, be still and rest in that. What action does it take to "know" something? Some brain activity, but humble meditation is all that God asks of us in this verse. Meditate and focus on the fact that He is God and nothing else matters.

I'm struggling. I'm wrong. I'm falling. I'm gone.

I've had a few people comment about how open I've been in this blog with my struggles. Some positive, some negative. I want to share my thoughts on it.

#1. Staying silent got me in a heap of trouble

#2. I want people to know specifically what they can pray for...It's one of the ways I'm asking for help

#3. I want people to know that no matter what they are struggling with, someone else is struggling too. Everyone's struggles might manifest differently, but at the end of the day we are all in pain in some shape or form. I believe Christ created us to rely on one another, but how can we truly love each other if we surface life and don't dive deep? This belief has transformed my relationships since I've been home from Remuda. Example. My friend Chaz and I have gotten real with each other. We talk about our struggles, our hopes, our dreams, our slips, our failures. We pray, we encourage, we laugh. Isn't that how Christ designed us to live?

#4. Most importantly...I want to open eyes and maybe some hearts to eating disorders. I know there are a lot of people out there still struggling silently and I want to be living proof that speaking up is the most freeing thing you could ever do. There are also a lot of people who are extremely uneducated on this disease that is quietly claiming millions worldwide and I want to help change that. Maybe if I can shed at least a little bit of light on this veiled, taboo topic, Christ will get the victory and satan will be forced to find another tactic besides ignorance.

All of that being said...I'm struggling. Please pray for me. I'm tired. I'm fighting for a desire to recover. I'm fighting for God. I'm clinging to the cross but I'm exhausted and I'm losing my grip. I hate ED. But I love him at the same time...Remuda girls, you know what I'm talking about. I miss you and love you so much.

Common Misconceptions About Eating Disorders

Misconception: Eating disorders are a choice.

Truth: People do not choose to have eating disorders. They develop over time and require appropriate treatment to address the complex medical symptoms and underlying issues.

Thoughts: No one wakes up one day says, "I think I'll stop eating...or maybe I'll start eating whatever I want and then throwing it up". It just doesn't work that way. For anyone who has ever struggled or is struggling with ED, please know that you didn't choose it but you do have a choice. You can choose recovery.

Misconception: Anorexia is “dieting gone bad”

Truth: Anorexia has nothing to do with dieting. It is a serious disorder.

Thoughts: It's never about food...

Misconception: A person with anorexia never eats at all

Truth: Anorexics do eat; however, they tend to eat smaller portions, low-calorie foods, or strange combinations. Some may eat candy bars in the morning and nothing else all day. Others may eat lettuce and mustard every few hours. The disordered eating behaviors are very individualized. Total cessation of all food intake is rare and would result in death from malnutrition in a matter of weeks.

Misconception: You can tell if a person has an eating disorder simply by appearance

Truth: You can’t. Anorexia may be easier to detect visually, although individuals may wear loose clothing to cover up weight loss. Bulimia is harder to “see” because individuals often have normal weight or may even be overweight. Some people may have obvious signs such as sudden weight loss or gain; others may not. People with an eating disorder become very effective at hiding the signs and symptoms. Thus, eating disorders can be undetected for months, years, or a lifetime.

Thoughts: Appearances can be deceiving...Never judge a book by its cover.

Misconception: Eating disorders are about appearance and beauty

Truth: Eating disorders are an illness and have little to do with food, eating, appearance, or beauty. Eating disorders are usually related to emotional issues such as control, trauma, stress, low self-esteem and often exist as part of a “dual” diagnosis of major depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Thoughts: Diagnosed major depressive at age 17, struggle with low self-image, trauma in my past, family dynamic issues, entered ministry (enter high stress)...I'm not surprised I have an eating disorder.

Misconception: Eating disorders are caused by unhealthy and unrealistic images in the media

Truth: While sociocultural factors (such as the “thin ideal”) can contribute or trigger development of eating disorders, research has shown that the causes are multifactorial and include biological, social, and environmental contributions. Eating disorders have been documented in medical literature since the 1800s when the ideal body shape looked drastically different than today.

Thoughts: ED has been destroying lives since the 1800s...that's disgusting. I am so grateful I live in a time when, although still wildly obscure, there are a ton of resources out there and treatment options.

Misconception: You’re not sick until you’re emaciated

Truth: The common belief that a person is only truly ill if he or she becomes abnormally thin compounds the affected individuals’ perceptions of body image and nothing “good” at being “sick enough”. This can interfere with treatment and can trigger intensification of self-destructive eating disorder behaviors.

Thoughts: Bulimia can be extremely deceiving. It does not result in such drastic health effects like anorexia does, but it is not without consequences. It can result in metabolic alkalosis, which can result in apnea, the cessation of breathing during sleep, irregular heartbeat, convulsions, or a heart attack.

Misconception: You can’t suffer from more than one eating disorder

Truth: Individuals often suffer from more than one eating disorder at a time. Bulimarexia is a term that was coined to describe individuals that go back and fourth between bulimia and anorexia.

Thoughts: Me...I am called suck. (that's for you Ryan Lambros)

Throw us in the fire.

I'm retracting my previous statement about my eating disorder not being sin. Of course it's sin. And here is why...

IDOLATRY.

I am putting my eating disorder first, therefore making it an idol in my life. I wrestle with serving two masters.

Ew, that sounds so disgusting to me. I love God so much, it makes me really upset to think that I am making Him share His throne in my life. But it is great to know that He is bigger than anything I put before Him. Woo hoo!

"You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction, it's the declaration of my Lord. You're not an image of gold, you're the God of old.

You have made us.

Come and save us.

We are yours."

.Burn us up . Shane & Shane.

SCOTTSDALE BIBLE.

I checked out Scottsdale Bible Church today and I really liked it! Strangest thing, I had written down in my journal this morning that Scottsdale Bible has been on my mind for a long time so I wanted to check it out today. Then, Shan comes home and is like, "I'm going to Scottsdale Bible at 5". The

MOST ran

dom (ha) thing ever! So we went and got suckered into the college group by the crafty Asian greeter. Turns out Jay Williams was leading worship and Bret was playing guitar. Classic.

Great message...checking out the

small group next week.

MISSIONAL COMMUNITIES

I also checked out a Praxis Missional Community today and really enjoyed it. The people were super friendly. We watched the US v. Canada hockey game (sad day for US, but great game). I'm still praying and seeking where God would place me.

"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple."

"You can have an eating disorder and still be madly in love with Jesus" -Wendy Celoria

That's right folks it's Eating Disorder Awareness Week!

A lot of you might be thinking that it doesn't apply to you, but I might be able to change your mind.

Chances are if you know any of the following, you are effected by this disease...

#1. Adolescents

#2. Women

#3. Men

#4. Me

Hmm did that get you interested?!

A sin or not a sin...That is the question.

I had a really great appointment with my therapist today and she made the argument that an eating disorder is not sin, it's a direct attack from satan. I've always thought of my eating disorder as sin in my life but the more we talked about it, the more I'm rethinking my opinion. I get the whole argument of "your body is a temple", so maybe I could see that but then are we all going to stop eating food that isn't kosher and stepping foot near someone who smokes?

Enter PRIDE. An eating disorder is prideful whether you hate yourself or love yourself because at the end of the day your focus is on YOU and not HIM.

So if my sin is pride, does that change the perspective of this disease? For me...it does. I don't know if it should or shouldn't because I personally believe that God looks at me through Christ and therefore does not see my sin, (uhh thanks Jesus). Someone once told me, "Don't should all over yourself so much".

To love Him or not to love Him...That is the next question!

SO, if my struggle is pride and that just so happens to be by way of focusing on my flaws and failures...Does that mean I love Him less or my relationship with Him is in a worse place than as someone who loves themselves? I would argue no. I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), and I trust that God knew what He was doing when He made me. I know He created me with purpose, I know I am worthy in His sight and He is enthralled by my beauty. Sometimes I just can't help but feel like a disappointment to Him. Despite all logic I have in my head and all of the things I KNOW and TRUST to be true, I still find myself drowning in disapproval.

My argument: This draws me closer to God. This brings me to my knees. This shows me how desperately I need Him and His mercy. It is proof that I can't find my worth in anything but Him. I can't be healed by family, friends, pills, books and especially not myself....only HE can carry me through this season and bring beauty from what I've turned to ashes. So does my struggle effect my relationship with Christ? Yes, it definitely puts a strain on things. But it is bringing me so much closer to Him at the same time.

Where I am now.

I know people have been asking about me since I returned from Remuda and I think it's only fair you hear from me how I am doing. First of all, thank you for your concern and your love. I have never felt more blessed with amazing people in my life.

Being home is hard. There's no other way to put it. 45 days was never going to take away 7 years of struggling. Remuda was like having surgery on a series of bullet wounds that had been covered up by band-aids for years. Now the recovery process is extremely hard because all I want to do is rip out these dang stitches. What I am focusing all of my energy on right now is learning how to "Be still and know that He is God" and to be OK with the fact that I'm in a season of rest/healing.

What I Need.

Prayer.

Love.

Availability.

Prayer.

An ear to listen.

Friends.

Patience.

Prayer.

Eating disorders are disgustingly common and sometimes they can be near impossible to detect (I have a few loved ones who would attest to that). All I ask...THINK next time you make a comment about something you know NOTHING about. People have no idea how much of an effect their comments can have on someone with an eating disorder, (or any girl for that matter). And if you care enough about someone in your life who might be struggling with an eating disorder, educate yourself. You will never fully be able to understand, but simply having a better scope on what an eating disorder is can be a miracle worker!

P.S. If I ever hear someone say, "All you have to do is eat right and exercise", "There are people dying in Haiti and starving in Africa, you should be grateful", "It's just food...What's the big deal", "You don't need to lose weight, you look great!"....I will punch you. Clearly, you have NO idea what an eating disorder is and your ignorance causes a lot more harm than you could imagine.

If you think you comprehend eating disorders because you hear about famous people with them all the time, "they just want to be skinny"....You know nothing. I recommend reading the following before you open your mouth and embarrass yourself.

Resources ;)

Understanding Eating Disorders- Dr. Thomas Insel, MD

Common Myths

How to be Supportive

Online Resources

Life Without Ed

Dying to be Thin

Remuda Ranch

"Real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious." Jack Kerouc, On The Road.

I was reading The Sound and the Fury today and I'm fascinated with Quentin's character. Time haunts him. It dominates his life. The tick tock of his watch is inescapable. Death is his only answer to cheating/escaping the clenches of time.

I could read this novel over and over again and still pick up new things each time. Kudos Faulkner.

It's interesting to me how Americans are similar (not his crack pot obsession with his sister's sin). Is time not the unwavering dictator of our lives?

This all pairs nicely with what I've been studying in God's word...Ecclesiastes.

Enjoy.

Chapter 3. Verses 1-8.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

If there is a time for everything under the sun, what is that time in your life right now? (Please answer...I really am curious). I started thinking about the season of life I'm in right now. It's a season of CHANGE. A season of love, creativity, healing, tears, adventure, potential, growth. But then I started thinking about each of the characters from The Sound and the Fury and their own hang-ups, or total negligence, of time. As a Christian, I believe that my time on this Earth is short and I want to use it wisely. However, I don't want to obsess over time because I know God is in control of everything under the sun.

For now, I am only on chapter three of Ecclesiastes when everything under the sun is still meaningless...I feel you Solomn. I'm picking up what you're throwin down.